Mrs Tusk, a twelve year old fictional elephant currently residing in a make believe Dover safari park, is being hailed as the next bright hope for promotion to service in May’s cabinet. The development comes as the government scouts for talent to run a soon to be created ministry for intentional disasters.
”It’s because of the elephant’s deliberate creation of a document with more detail than any government No Deal contingency yet produced,” an insider in the prime minister’s office told us, while we helped burn papers relating to scandals still to come.
“Thanks for helping burn these documents. It’s a great relief most of MSM British media is so pro-Tory and blithely disinterested in all the crime relating to the advisory referendum. It’s almost like an establishment stitch-up. But that couldn’t be the case, as the official opposition leaders are disinterested in the crimes too.”
We don’t mind burning stuff. May might really be in the poop if everything she did as Home Office Chief Executioner 2010-2016 were to come out in a rush. Best it’s drip fed, one scandal of poor governance after another.
But whether or not Mrs Tusk is willing to serve in May’s cabinet is yet to be ascertained.
”We’ve made noises that ivory trade bad. Elephant good,” the insider commented, “why wouldn’t the elephant serve? After we arrange a by-election, get her parachuted in as a candidate and elected with a majority equivalent to her weight.”
Maybe she would be worried that the intensity of line work and attention to detail, so evident in her work to date relative to government work, would be dismissed out of hand by Ms May?
”Well, that would only happen if it contradicted the government’s chosen policy agendas.”
So you mean to say if the papers Mrs Tusk produced were evidence based, rather than complete insanity solely designed to further neocon economics and normalise alt-right politics?
”Precisely. Wow. You’ve got a grasp. You fancy coming to work for us?”
I’d rather watch ‘Love Island’ all year without a toilet break.
”So that’s a yes?”
No. But good luck recruiting Mrs Tusk.
”Thanks. It would be lovely to have a real elephant in the cabinet. It might distract attention from the herd of metaphorical ones that are making it almost impossible to get any magical thinking done.”