Great news for people planning a big job today with the long awaited release of the ‘Hard Brexiter Guide to Negotiating a Bank Robbery’.
The easy to read, big font, crayon printed, non-spellchecked booklet has been written by handpicked members of the now famous research group, The ERG, and is printed on toilet paper so it can be easily recycled once you’ve gotten away with the loot.
There’s also a lot of blank pages at the back in case you get caught on the hop, or wish to mark-make while waiting for the security guard to go for his lunch break at your chosen branch for the heist.
There is a foreword by noted Latin scholar Jacob Rees-mogg, in which he demonstrates just what you can do if you lock yourself away in a toilet and use google translate to convert english phrases into Latin.
Pictures are included throughout the booklet, hand drawn by David Davis with his own edible pencils, with Nadine Dorries ensuring that most of the colouring stays within the lines.
It’s believed the book is to be part of a weekly series, should it be well received, which will be available at selected newsagents and booksellers for only £350m each.
We know you’re busy stockpiling just now and may not have the time to go and get a copy, so we’ve taken the liberty of ripping off the advice in the booklet and present it below in a more complex form than the emoji strewn text itself.
1. Enter bank
2. Take off trousers
3. Take off shirt
4. Point gun at head
5. Threaten to blow your own brains out if your demands aren’t met
6. Don’t stop threatening yourself until they hand over the loot
The last line in the booklet is some handy investment advice for people who want to give it a go, “Remember, shift a lot of your assets to tax havens first, so you can buy the NHS on the cheap once the con is complete”.
Those who fail to prepare, prepare to fail, with the ‘Hard Brexiter Guide to Negotiating a Bank Robbery’ you’re certain of only one outcome. Grab a copy today and be ready to say stick ’em up or I gets it!