“I can’t keep my job if you don’t lose yours” May to address nation

Primed patriot Theresa May is to forcefully rebut claims she’s an unemotional, self centred, job devouring sociopath controlled by disaster capitalists wilfully burning the U.K. to the ground for profit later today when she addresses the country.

“I can’t keep my job if you don’t lose yours,” Ms May will address a country on the brink of economic and civil collapse, “and as your leader I am the one the Martians will want to talk to when they bring their inter-galactic war against the Lizard Men of Zaasrth 9 to Earth.”

Asked what she will tell the Martians about how the U.K. functions and its form of governance, she had this to say, “I can’t keep my job day to day unless thousands of pathetic little peasants, scurrying about like ants on a parched and burning land, lose theirs.”

It’s May will go further this evening in her speech, requesting voters now come forward and offer their own job to be thrown on the bonfire of Brexit, which now burns on College Green.

”You should bring marshmallows to toast. Your job is bound to have a high combustion temperature and burn rate, due to its emotional importance to you. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Whether or not anyone will be able to force Ms May to bring her meaningful vote back again more quickly and stop this idiotic destruction of the lives of the citizens she is supposed to care for, is anyone’s guess.

”Don’t look at Labour to help,” Emily Thorny-berry responded for Labour, “we’re too busy trying to bully Anna Soubry, now she’s turned against May. It’s the way we roll. The most incompetent and confused official opposition you can find. Isn’t it a hoot? I’ve still got my job. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Give up your jobs Britons so Theresa May can keep hers, before she comes and takes it away anyway.

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