LCD Views can report that senior Tories are putting their names in a hat today in the hope of being the one chosen to talk to the Japanese, sternly, in whatever passes for diplomatic English nowadays.
”We will have to talk SLOWLY and LOUDLY,” an aide at the Department for International Trade said,
“as they’ve clearly not being paying attention the last few years, since Liam Fox started bagging air miles and talking of the opportunities that will come with Brexit. Which seem to be mostly expensive holidays for Liam Fox under the pretence of work. I wonder if a friend is going along? Anyway, cars are big today. They’ll be even bigger tomorrow.”
So why the reluctance on the part of the Japanese to continue to invest in the U.K. after Brexit? Is it related to the analysis they did after the ref result which realised it’ll be pointless?
”No. It’s a complete bloody mystery. It’s definitely not them following through on what they said they’d do if the U.K. opted for economic suicide. How anyone could be so blind to opportunity and obstinate. The Japanese are supposed to have a reputation as shrewd businessmen? They certainly seemed like they were when we were part of negotiating the EU-Japan FTA. Well, their reputation is taking a battering inside the DIT. I don’t mind telling you!”
While Liam Fox is clearly hoping to be the one to put the wellie in, it’s possible it maybe Jeremy Hunt, given that he is technically Foreign Secretary.
”That’s causing a bit of an issue over the rules for who gets to put their names in the hat,” the aide revealed, “as both Liam and Jeremy have already written to the Japanese in the last week and cheesed them off. It’s someone else’s turn. Probably not Boris. F Honda? While stout, it’s not a long enough dressing down. And he insults Johnny Foreigner at will anyway, like it’s his hobby.”
What about having the Tory MP for Swindon doing it? After all the Honda plant closure directly impacts his constituents. People he’s been reassuring there was nothing to worry about for years. Save time.
”The Tory MP for…maybe. What’s his name?”
We’ll have to google it. Oh hang on.
”What?”
This will cause some strife. It seems he’s got on the front foot and gone and done it.
”He probably didn’t hear about the names in the hat. What’s he said?”
Here, this is a hot take,
“There’s no need to go kamikaze,” Tory MP for Swindon, whatever his name is, is believed to have informed the Japanese today,
“I don’t mind reminding you either, that we won the war. And reminding foreigners of that over seventy years since is a key plank of Conservative electoral and foreign policy. Now about this idea you’ve got in your heads to have your rising sun set over Swindon. This is just not on. As a representative of the country that won the war, I have to inform you I…”
That oughta do it.