LCD Views can report that China has told the U.K. to f*ck off in no uncertain terms today after former fireplace salesman Gavin Williamson decided to reveal we have a ship.
”I’m on a boat!” Mr Williamson shouted at China, “I’m on a boat motherf*cker!”
Quite what China was expected to make of being threatened by a British warship in its waters (regardless of the rights and wrongs of what’s going on down there), given they still recall the Opium Wars, is anyone’s guess.
”I suspect the kakistocracy of public school boy and girl entitled, and ignorant prats currently governing Britain missed that bit of history, because someone was using them as a toast rack,” our international trade expert guessed.
In search of the deeper thinking behind his strategy, we approached a toilet stain for comment, believing it to be Mr Williamson. It simply repeated,
”I’m on a boat! I’m on a boat motherf*cker!”, as if it had invented maritime technology and its use in international brinkmanship.
“I suspect Gavin won’t be satisfied until he succeeds in getting someone to declare war on Global Britain,” our expert adds, “at which point he’ll scream a lot and then hide. He’s currently working down a list of traditional foes to cheese them off, and he will presumably move onto our allies next. I hear he’s thinking of threatening Canada with a land invasion.”
None of this bodes well for the prospects of Brexitannia, but Mr Williamson is apparently non-plussed, claiming his ultimate long game is for Global Britain to trade with itself only, so we always leave negotiations as victors.