Brexiter “Dr” Liam Fox wants human rights to be optional, rather than, well, a human right. His excuse is to facilitate post-Brexit trade, but the reality is yet another hidden privatisation. In future, UK citizens wishing to continue to have human rights will have to apply for them.
There is, of course, a fee attached to this process. The suggestion that it will cost £350m to obtain human rights was dismissed as “faintly ridiculous” by Dr Fox’s spokesman Jack Schitt. In fact, the fee for an adult will be £65. “The fee for children will be half that, since children are less human than adults,” he added.
All existing human rights will cease to exist once the Brexit process has completed, since they are currently aligned with the EU. “Obviously, we cannot tolerate the jurisdiction of the European Court of Human Rights,” explained Schitt. “It makes everything simpler just to start from scratch.”
Anyone wishing to apply for human rights status after Brexit should download an app onto their smartphone. Anyone not possessing a smartphone will be officially anachronistic and have no self-respect. Therefore these people will not be encouraged to seek out the alternative methods of application, and will be deemed to have forfeited their rights.
Advertisements have been placed in all national publications and social media. To encourage early uptake, these advertisements read: “Apply for human rights status NOW and receive a FREE £10 NHS voucher!”
Unfortunately for some, the app only works on Android devices. Jack Schitt again: “We are trying to iron out any potential problems,” he said shiftily. “Until then, if you do find yourself in difficulty, it serves you right for being an Apple w*nker! Go and buy the cheap rip-off, you tosser, that’s where the country is heading anyway. Get over it!”
We tried to contact Fox for comment, but he was too busy digging himself a foxhole.