The Six Nations rugby tournament is about to happen. The England team has already threatened to withdraw, in order to play a World Series against itself. The reason given is Ireland’s decision to include a backstop in their squad.
“England’s decision is mystifying, so it is,” remarked Ireland’s publicity manager, Aiden Andabetting. “Including a backstop is a guarantee that we can still exchange passes and maintain our conversion rate. Unfortunately, playing a conventional full back was unacceptable to the English. They must have brain damage after all that headbanging.”
Naturally enough, the English see things differently. “We need Ireland to have a frictionless fullback that just lets us through to score shedloads of tries,” explained England team strategist Kolley Flowerear. “Any backstop must be temporary, in other words replaced whenever we are losing. If it doesn’t happen, we are taking our odd-shaped balls home.”
Flowerear warmed to his theme. “Once we have exited, gloriously, from the Six Nations, we will be free to strike up our own fixtures,” he said. “We are already negotiating to form a prestigious tournament with new rugby partners, such as Antarctica, Greenland, and Easter Island.”
There are rumours of discontent within the England ranks. Some players want to withdraw now, some later, and others not at all. Management is weak, and the bizarre inclusion of prop forward Boris “The Destroyer” Johnson hasn’t helped. Johnson insists upon being the centre of attention, handling the ball constantly, and always stays close to the hooker.
Rugby analyst Lou Sedpropp gave an outsider’s view. “England is the laughing stock of world rugby,” he opined. “They are insisting on having nothing to do with their fellow Brits, or their neighbours in Europe. Nobody wants to play against them, and several players have quietly discovered Scottish or Irish descent and have applied for a burgundy passport.”
It doesn’t matter if you are left wing or right wing, inside centre or outside centre. This particular scrum is about to collapse under the weight of its own delusions.