LCD Views can report on exciting developments in the field of mutually assured destruction today after the Ministry of Defence announced it has replaced all nuclear payloads on the ageing missile system with something far more now.
“We’ve fitted them with warheads made out of Brexit,” Professor Mince, defence scientist at Cyberdine Systems (MOD contractors) told our Big Bangs! correspondent, “the Brexit payloads are still sourced largely from the US, as with our previous radioactive ones, but that’s just funding now. It’s routed through a series of shell accounts via the Isle of Mann. But don’t worry about all that. This is about promoting and defending our democracy.”
The Professor was also able to confirm that the development of the new missile system had the support of a former foe.
“Yes, the Kremlin helped with the design and implementation too. It really is an international exercise. If the tests of the Brexit warheads prove successful in the field than the yanks will be ditching nuclear payloads too and replacing them with members of the Trump family.”
While Brexit is now the destructive component of choice, the boffins in the missile lab did test a range of alternatives.
“Mostly components of Brexit,” the professor said, “we tried David Davis warheads, but although hard enough to bust a bunker through sheer force of bluster, they always quit halfway through the flight to target. So too the Raab ones. Pretty useless. Rees-mogg payloads just kept getting lost and trying to go via Dublin, which was puzzling. Tim Martin ones wouldn’t get off the launch pad, they just fizzed, spinning in lazy circles spraying out noxious odours. Don’t get me started on the Dorries ones.”
And the best thing about the change?
“Trident now has the full support of the Labour party leadership,” the professor smiled, “because they’ll back anything to do with Brexit, a weapon that ends freedom of movement once and for all. What’s not to like about it for a socialist?”