LCD Views can report on a long running medical mystery that has the U.K.’s best doctors stumped.
”We can’t work out if patient is in coma or should be placed in one?” Doctor Doctor, consulting neuro-recto-cranio-ologist at Girls Hospital (twin to Guys), Westminster admits,
“we’ve run so many tests. CRG’s, MOT’s, BBC’s (that was especially useless), MRI’s (frightening, but not illuminating), EEG’s and old fashioned hit you with x-rays X-rays and we’re none the wiser.”
The frank admission comes not from anyone called frank, but the medics overseeing the case.
”The symptoms are worsening by the hour. The monitor that beeps steadily in healthy, functioning representative democracies is now just a solid beeeeeeeep. The blood tests are showing yellow vests attacking the white blood cells, normally a sign of Bannonitis. It appears the patient is in a self induced coma already. And that’s the problem.”
Because you can’t put someone into a coma who’s put themselves willingly into one?
”Quite. Double down on a coma with a coma and you’re likely to end up with a fascist state dismantling itself from within at a speed that would do Ebola proud. With just as many messy bodily fluids being sprayed all over.”
So what will you do now?
”We’re running a new battery of tests tomorrow. Cooper test. Grieve probe. We’ll see what the results of those are and decide where to go with treatment after that.”
What if they return negative or inconclusive results too?
”Then I’m buying several large bags of rice, some spam, dried fruit, several cases of Boudreaux and legging it to a barn in the Scottish highlands. And I’d recommend you do that too.”