The Queen’s plea for The People to find common ground has been countered by Theresa May. There is no longer any common ground, she says, since fracking commenced.
Number Ten spin doctor Tori Trayter gave the official announcement to a hand-picked audience of Daily Express ‘journalists’.
“We have informed Her Majesty that all common ground has been repurposed as fracking sites,” she declared. “In addition, she has been reminded to keep her privileged, wrinkly nose out of politics, since her ancestors devolved power to the Conservative Party several hundred years ago.”
Surely, ventured one rebellious character, common ground refers to a meeting of minds?
“Nonsense!” bellowed Trayter. “Common means common. Common ground is for common people, and the common people have no business except to do and think what we tell them to. And, never forget, your job is to help make it happen.”
The journalist attempted to speak again, but Trayter cut him short.
“Common means communism!” she shrieked. “If you carry on like this, a fate worse than death awaits you – writing for The Guardian!”
LCD Views, wishing to discover the other side of the story, sent their Royalties correspondent to Sandringham. The correspondent bumped into an old lady called Liz, who was out walking some corgis.
“One is frankly disgusted,” said Liz. “One is considering whether to withdraw the Royal Assent as a protest. If one’s subjects refuse to respond to what one says, what’s the point in being the monarch? One yearns for the simpler times, when one could behead the jumped-up little squits. One wishes that one’s subjects would fall into line the moment one said, ‘Who’s Queen?’”
She sighed, and adjusted her EU-blue hat.
“What is more,” she continued, “One’s Prime Minister has informed one that prospecting for oil will commence immediately on one’s front lawn. That woman has no manners. Even that ghastly Thatcher woman had a modicum of respect. Now one must continue to exercise one’s corgis, because if one doesn’t, Boris here will spend all evening humping one’s leg while one is trying to watch Tipping Point.”
Fracked Britain, fractured Britain. It’s a fracking disgrace.