LCD Views can report on the shape and texture of the lips of British Army chiefs today, after the mad robot inside 10 Downing Street placed them on alert to guard the unheard of riches Brexit will instantly bring.
“Pursed I’d say,” our military specialist reports, “terse too. Tense. Puckered. So dry licking them with a dry tongue in a dry mouth doesn’t do any good. Hissing sounds can be heard, presumably as the upper brass repress more colourful language in response to the orders coming down the line from 10 Downing Street.”
As to the Secretary of Defence, Gavin Williamson, what direction is he giving the army to help prepare for civil disorder?
“He’s suggested arming the infantry with tarantulas trained to kill,” our correspondent informs, “he wants big spiders, big enough to leash and patrol the streets. You know, instead of german shepherds. He fancies it was the spider he kept on his desk that got him from chief whip to former fireplace salesman responsible for the defence of the realm. And not the black book full of Tory MP sexual peccadillos he inherited from the last chief whip.”
But there isn’t time to genetically modify and breed a giant species of tarantula, ahead of a No Deal Brexit, how can he expect them to follow his orders?
“Oh, I don’t think they follow his orders,” our specialist snorts, “that would just be silly. They nod and smile and then over lunch talk about the viability of a military coup, just to restore parliamentary sovereignty from an executive that is now clearly insane.”
That sounds more like what you’d expect them to say.
“Williamson has advised them to be ready to launch Trident against the Houses of Parliament too. Just in case the giant spiders don’t work. And he’s ordered military scientists to build an actual kettle big enough to place street protestors inside.”
Anything else?
“Yes, everyone last man soldier and cadet has to be ready to lay down someone else’s life to defend the unheard of riches Brexit will instantly bring.”
Unheard of is right.
“Invisible riches is more like it.”
“Gavin has also ordered them to find Aladdin and get his lamp. Once he holds that sort of power no mob of hungry civilians will be able to stand in his way from turning the entire country into one big open fire.”
It sounds like we’re in safe hands then, as the end of March barrels towards us.
“Safe as an offshore tax haven, once we free ourselves from the EU.”
Now that’s what it’s really all about. I wonder how the army feels about being ready to do their bit to bring that about?