Those who think the mighty intellectual power that is the current British Government is asleep with a full belly over the festive period have been proven dead wrong today with the advice coming out of Downing Street that GLOBAL Britons are to store this year’s Christmas trees for fuel in 2019.
”You’ll probably need to dry the tree in your loft space,” Mr Tufton, advisor to Theresa May told us, “ideally you’ll want the tree crisp and ready for burning by the spring when the energy wars start with the tyrannical EU.”
But what if you have a barn on your property?
”Well of course in that case store it for desiccation there. That will save on shouting at your maid for leaving a trail of pine needles through the house as she drags the tree to the loft.”
But how many meals will a dry Christmas tree provide?
”A complete fir tree of some good age should keep you going for months. Don’t forget you’ll be heating ration packs, so you won’t be using much fuel each time.”
What about eating the tree itself?
”That would definitely help combat global warming. Global Britons do their bit to fight Global Warming! By eating twigs and needles? That way we can burn more coal and keep the old, monied interests from revolting against the political class.”
A win win.
”And we can lower taxes further too.”
It all makes perfect sense.
”Of course you should probably reserve some good, stout branches for sharpening into stakes to form a defensive perimeter around your property.”
But why? Who would be attacking us?
”Boris Johnson in a second frauderendum battle bus would be my guess.”