Downing Street has gotten into the Christmas spirit today by getting ahead of the pack regarding post Christmas dieting plans.
“We know everyone is going to gorge themselves silly during the festive period,” Theresa May told the nation during a unique television speech, “from food bank users to tax haven lovers, all are going to eat to excess. We will look away while this happens, but we must ensure the people shed as many pounds as possible next year. This is why I have accepted Michael Gove’s catchy title for the U.K. 2019 Brexit menu planner, ‘We’re all going to diet!’”
While the contents of the message were not surprising, to anyone who’s been paying attention, the decision of Ms May to dress festively for it did raise an eyebrow or two.
”I never thought I’d see her so carefree as to wear an elf’s hat with matching snow chain necklace adorned with actual reindeer antlers,” keen May watcher and BBC journalist, Ms Tori Placeman, told us, “someone must have let her at the sherry before the broadcast. It’s a shrewd move and one that humanises a figure weirdly viewed as sociopathic and aloof at times.”
Other commentators noted the wet blood on the antlers suggested May had recently hunted the animal herself.
”Probably some initiation ceremony into a global society of tax dodging, feudalism fetishing kleptomaniacs using Brexit as the thin edge to break the EU wedge,” Labour Party spokesman, Mr Knot Atrot observed, “once we seize power through a popular uprising resulting from having placidly stood by and watched Brexit occur, knowing the harm it will cause, we will see the antlers tried in a people’s court for deviancy.”
Details of the actual ‘We’re all going to diet!’ menu are still scarce though, in spite of the rousing address by the nation’s mother.
”It’ll be a belt tightener,” Ms May did say though, “mostly because of all the calories unavailable to the U.K. once we purposefully smash our food supply chains. Merry Christmas.”