“The United Kingdom was troubled enough already,” LCD Views’ festive correspondent, Mrs Reindeer told us this morning, “with Brexit looming it’s clear 2018 is going to be the last Christmas for the United Kingdom in its present form, unless the big fir tree of bullshit is cut down and wood chipped. But the news that Theresa May is to travel to the North Pole to renegotiate the terms of Christmas? It seems she doesn’t even want us to have a final Christmas as a family.”
Perhaps she doesn’t like the thought of people opening presents, all together, happy?
“Well, it’s clear she would ban immigrants from enjoying a proper English Christmas if she could. What have they done to deserve a share of our Christmas anyway? Especially the refugees. You know the kind, the ‘economic’ ones from the middle east escaping the British made munitions that we love to sell to people to drop on them, Christmas or no Christmas.”
They invented the religion Christmas is dependent on for existing?
“So? So they should just get to inherit the Christmas their ancestors did the hard work for, by virtue of accident of birth?”
Well, let’s not get political.
“Excuse me, that’s why you hired me.”
I didn’t hire you. I made you up in the moment I decided to had to stop binge watching “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee” and find my children and force them to enjoy the world outside.
“I don’t think I can work here anymore.”
Let’s get back to Theresa May? That’s a subject we can unify around.
“She’s going to the North Pole to renegotiate Christmas with Father Christmas. Christmas means Christmas.”
We’re not going to get Christmas this year, are we?
“Not the kind with presents. No.”