Fantastic and reassuring news for the people of the United Kingdom today that they are going to have to dig up their grandparents after all and demand to know where they buried the family Blitz spirit, with the announcement that the Government is to test readiness for managed no deal Brexit with a ‘managed no Christmas’.
“Chris Grayling has been put in charge of the test fire,” a spokesman for whoever is prime minister told LCD Views, “so we’ll definitely need Blitz spirit to survive Christmas. A good warm up to the successful managed crash out and burn No Deal Brexit, so asset strippers and vulture capitalists can buy your house cheap to rent back to you, about the time when you’re explaining to your children that one of them will have to start hunting their own food.”
But how will Mr Grayling, famous for so many headline hogging infrastructure projects, manage a project as big as Christmas?
“It’s a managed no Christmas. That’s important.”
What’s the difference?
“Well, clearly there will be nothing to manage if there is no Christmas, except misery, disappointment, crushed expectations and serious family tension.”
Oh, we get it. Perfect warm up for a managed no deal.
“Yes, Chris Grayling will manage to fit the managing of no Christmas into his daily schedule, as he has plenty of spare time because he doesn’t manage anything already, really.”
So just an ordinary day in the office for the Secretary of State?
“He’s a what?”
A Secretary of State.
“Jesus wept. I knew the UK was mismanaged, but I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought he was a junior minister. It never occurred to me that he had been given so much responsibility. I wouldn’t even bother buying a tree this year, if I were you.”
We asked a representative of Labour what they thought about the government’s test run for next year and they replied,
“We will still have Christmas, so long as we have a magic grandpa and we all believe.”