Paul Nuttall is back in the headlines today (although is he ever out of them?) after announcing he is quitting UKIP to save the troubled O2 mobile phone network.
At a packed press conference outside 10 Downing Street Paul spoke of why he is doing what he is:
”I told Theresa when she begged me to come and see her today that I’m here to renegotiate Brexit for you,” Paul said, while balancing a rare Ming vase on his nose, “that I was gonna walk right up to Barnier and twist his beak between my fingers or toes.”
But it seems he now has different plans for the day?
”But that’ll only keep a superman like me busy till lunch time, so I’ve got to fill the afternoon slot somehow.”
And fill it he will.
”12 to 1 I am wrapping up the Mueller inquiry and finding Britain’s greatest friend Trump innocent. 1 to 2 I’m taking the Tranmere Rovers all the way into the premier league and to glory. 3 to 4 I’m making Labour electable, by request, in the upcoming GE with the pro-Brexit agenda that doesn’t differentiate them from the Tories on the greatest challenge faced by the Koch brothers and ensures that even a Labour Brexit robs us all of FOM but not 27 other countries. After that I’ve to prove I climbed Everest befoe that imposter from New Zealand,
“So I’ve got time between 2 and 3. Paul, I asked myself, why not save O2?”
Why not indeed. Although some people jealous of Mr Nuttall’s powers have suggested there’s an even simpler way he could save that much oxygen.