A local man best known for championing outlawing curtains for the working poor, and the unemployed, so upright members of the community can see how long they’re sleeping in, has expressed a new concern today.
”All these fountains of free food that are springing up everywhere are only going to make the poor classes even more work shy,” Iain Duncan Smith told LCD Views, while removing a bag of pasta from a charitable food bin,
“see this packet of pasta here? A layabout can last a week on that, if they manage to steal some water to cook it in. Having said that, that’s probably even too much extortion from a moral incurable. They’ll most likely just eat it raw before shoplifting some high strength cider. Anything to avoid going to work that type. And that’s just the children, heaven knows what the parents must be like?”
But what does the Tory MP intend to do with the pasta, now he’s secured it?
”Why burn it of course. Hopefully on College Green, if the BBC have left any space after the construction of their tower blocks to ensure no one actually accidentally sees an anti-Brexit protestor during a live interview with a useful idiot for Brexit.”
Surely burning food that could feed a hungry family isn’t a way to win support for his policies?
”I didn’t rise to the elite levels of the chumocracy by being stupid,” IDS said, unconvincingly, “I did it by phoning up the right people and mentioning my relatives.”
That doesn’t qualify you as an expert on the poor.
”Of course it does,” he retorted, “I look down them constantly. I know what they’re up to, pretending you can’t feed a family on universal credit. Just trying to game the system. Now hand me that packet of matches and let’s teach them a lesson in compassionate conservatism they won’t forget,
”Make sure you take a picture while we’re at it, so people know we’re paying attention to the problems, like food poverty in the sixth richest economy in the world, that we had absolutely nothing to do in causing. Getting rid of free food will make it easier for poor people to tighten their belts too. It’s a total win.”