Former UKIP leader and seven times unelected parliamentary candidate Nigel Farage has announced that he is leaving the UK.
Speaking to reporters outside the Dover entrance to the channel Tunnel, suitcase in hand, Farage explained that he had become increasingly uncomfortable with the continuing rise of the far right and the increasing intolerance of anyone of differing ethnicity or religious beliefs.
“As someone with a rather obviously French surname, a first name derived from the Latin word for black and a recently issued burgundy German passport, I just don’t feel safe in this country any more,” explained a tearful Farage.
“If only we could identify why this has happened and do something about it, ” he wailed, complaining tearfully that instead of dealing with this rising tide of hatred all the career politicians care about is how to get re-elected without being outed as a hypocrites over their flip-flopping support for Brexit.
Farage confirmed that his departure from British shores would see him give up his radio show on LBC as well as his full time seat on the BBC’s Question Time and that he planed to start a new life in Slovenia, where his good friend President Trump had arranged an introduction to a close relative of the first lady Melanoma.
“If Slovenia’s good enough for Trump, it’s good enough for me,” mused Farage, whose German wife recently divorced him after he threatened to have her deported for leaving her towel in the bathroom before him.
Picking up his suitcase Farage bid a tearful farewell to the assembled press throng and glugging a final gulp of nut brown English ale, strode manfully towards the tunnel entrance.
Pausing for a final wave he noticed a pair of dark skinned illegal immigrants emerging into the cold light of the English dawn.
“Good luck to mates, you’ll bloody well need it”, he wept, hugging both to his chest before disappearing into the darkness.