Prime Minister Theresa May has announced today she is to call a snap general election in order to increase, once again, her commons majority.
“Once the people of the United Kingdom overwhelm me with the level of support they have for my Brexit deal, which I assume to be very strong, because I’m locked in a sensory deprivation chamber, I will be able to force it through and force down whatever else I decide to into the guts of the country.”
As part of the campaign to prove how popular she still is, the prime minister will be conducting her travelling election campaign solely in the country’s grave yards. This will have the added benefit of not bringing her face to face with anyone living and risk catching their germs.
But what catchphrase will she parade under this time?
“I am gong to promise strong and stable government, again. Not because I’m a blinkered, empathy and intuit free wasteland, but because people need to know they risk chaos under a hung parliament where minor parties form a coalition government with an agreement to revoke Article 50 and begin counting the cost of years of hard right sociopathy.”
But that’s not all.
”I will say further, as I tell you today, the people of the United Kingdom have a choice of continuing a funny kind of strong and stable government under me, or chaos under Ed Milliband.”
Asked to comment on the shock announcement a spokesman for Labour’s front bench said the following,
”Jeremy is going to promise a jobs first Brexit. There’s no chance we’ll get the swing vote needed for a majority. So she may as well try her hand. Who knows, she may end up with a slim majority if we stick with Lexit.”
So that’s nice then.