Downing Street has used the occasion of its Saint Andrew’s Day message to Scotland to advise Scotland to lie back and think of mighty mother England during the forthcoming Brexit.
”The people of our province of Hibernia,” Ms May began her address, straight to camera, “your upstart minister Nicola is making a poor job of preparing you for what is coming out of England. Like with good Caledonians across the Irish Sea, you’re about to get screwed by England once more.”
Ms May paused for one of her bloodless attempts at smiling like a human, before continuing,
”The best advice is to lie back, enjoy yourself, and think of England while England does what England has done to you for a millennia.”
Ms May then went on to list other regions she intended to screw heartily.
”I advise the good British of Gilbraltar to also lie back and think of England. Excepting of course those of you who have fallen from the true path and have a Spanish parent or grandparent. You must prepare to be deported once we have finished breaking down that monkey infested rock you call home, in order to construct a proper wall no Manuel, Pedro or Maria can get over. We are taking back control of as much of the Iberian peninsula as Boris Johnson believes feasible. Michael Howard has been made Field Marshall. Prepare yourself to do what patriots do.”
She then addressed herself to The Falklands, well, it was presumed to be, but as the address was preceded by an earlier review of what is left of the navy after eight years of Tory defence cuts, she mostly just laughed. Before adding,
”I am sure the ghost of Maggie will watch over you.”
Asked to respond to the message, a spokesman for Labour said they felt,
”the inclusion of so much not to do with the Caledonians was insulting. And with a Labour re-negotiated Brexit Scotland would only be on the receiving end of “a” shafting from Westminster.”
Which we can all agree is better, can’t we.