Russian President for life (yours, probably), Vladimir Putin Tuesday hailed Theresa May’s Brexit agreement as “ideal for Russia”, and “the perfect culmination of years of work by heroic Russian backed trolls and sock puppets”.
The deal was approved on Sunday by all 27 EU heads of state but Putin pointed out that despite this unanimous approval nothing has actually been finalised other than the UK’s departure from the EU.
“The UK will leave the EU, but without any form of detailed agreement on terms,” he laughed pointing out that both sides are now guaranteed to be locked into decades of increasingly acrimonious disputes without any hope of a permanent resolution.
“Just like when we invaded east Ukraine by proxy in 2014, and South Ossetia in Georgia in 2008, we created conflicts which can never be resolved,” he grinned pointing out that earlier Russian interventions in the breakaway Georgian province of Abkhazia and the Moldovan region of Transnistria are also still festering nicely nearly three decades on.
“Never mind our clandestine take-over of the city of London and the UK’s entire banking system which also can never be resolved without collapsing the global financial infrastructure,” he smirked.
And with UK and EU, locked in a bitter and never ending struggle Mother Russia will be free to reclaim what is rightly hers – everything, explained a smirking Putin, politely declining to confirm where in Europe Russia plans destabilise and rend asunder next.
“Lithuania, Hungary, Scotland…. Brighton and Hove Albion….Europe is ours for the splitting – they’ll be far too busy arguing with our social media trolls about fishing quotas and the chemical definition of jam to even notice,” he sniggered.
“And if you don’t like it, well there are plenty more of your English cathedrals our “highly culturally educated” tourists would just love to visit,” he winked slyly.