Damascus, the Syrian capital, is sadly a destination to die for. Quite literally, during the conflict. In an attempt to resolve matters at home and abroad, our very own ‘Mr Nige’ll Fixit’, Nigel Farage, is alleged to be planning a visit, having merrily used the refugees from the conflict to his own ends, he’s taking a hands on interest. That said, the man himself has immediately scotched these hopeful rumours.
“It is categorically not true!” thundered Farage from the snug at Ye Olde Trippe To Damascus. “I wouldn’t go there if you paid me! Now, if Arron Banks paid me, it would be a totally different story.”
Nevertheless, there have been sightings of a big red bus around the country, with the destination board reading ‘Damascus’ and the legend ‘We spend far too much money on overseas aid, let’s go on a jolly instead’ painted on the side.
LCD Views’ Foolish Female Feline Fancier correspondent, so named by BBC pillar Andrew Neil, Una Preciated, sent her cats out into the garden so she could investigate.
Within days her research had uncovered emails between Farage and both Viktor Orban and Recep Tayyip Erdogan that clearly indicated a joint visit to Syria. In an unashamed bid to become deputy editor, she described Farage’s Hungarian contacts as ‘No longer an Orban myth’.
Syrian Arab Airlines then disclosed to Preciated that Mr Farage had bought a return flight to Damascus that very morning. Naturally, we contacted him for comment immediately.
“Hang on a sec, I need to switch to airplane mode,” came that familiar voice. “There. Now, there is no truth that I am on my way to a road near Damascus, indeed I am broadcasting a pre-recorded show on LBC right now. Tune in if you don’t believe me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to call Barnier to authorise my expenses.”
Hopeful observers are anticipating that Farage will undergo a Pauline conversion. The scales will fall from his eyes, and Pauline Farage will return, a changed man, and a champion of transgender and other PC gone mad! rights.