Countrywide cut price pub chain Wetherspoons has announced the launch of its very own branded “Brexmas Crackers”, in an effort to cheer up the nation, ahead of Christmas.
“We – by which I mean I – felt that there was so much doom and gloom about head of our triumphant re-emergence next March 30th as a truly independent nation, free from the shackles of European slavery that we should do something positive to cheer people up,” grinned fabulously rich Wetherspoons chairman, Jim “Bungle the Bear” Wetherspoon.
The new crackers which combine traditional British Christmas imagery with a topical celebration of Brexit, come in boxes of six retailing for a very reasonable £2.99, and are being manufactured to time honoured British standards somewhere unpronounceable in China.
According to Wetherspoon, the crackers combine the “holy trinity” of “bang”, “paper hat” and “uplifting motto”, although he conceded that as with all cheap imported crackers, half the bangs will actually be whimpers.
“But that is quite clearly also a great British tradition,” he added, confirming that however the crackers would not contain the traditional “pointless plastic toy”
“That would have added an extra 2p a unit and eaten into my Christmas bonus,” explained Wetherspoon, adding that instead, each paper hat has been specially printed with slogans like “I voted Brexit”, “A nation once again” and “Let’s get pissed and make Tim even Richer”.
Even better, he explained, each cracker contains a special inspiring motto by either one of the many former Brexit secretaries, or a leading Brexit campaigner designed to lift the spirits (£3.50 a shot, before 6pm) ahead of Christmas.
“What could be more uplifting than a reminder from Michael Gove that “We hold all the cards”…or an inspirational Russian one liner from Arron Banks such as ” Ты смотришь на меня или пить Коктейль Новичок?” he grinned, admitting that he can’t understand a word of Russian.
“Although I can confirm categorically that it doesn’t mean “yet another scam to screw money out of our dumb punters, I mean it’s not like WE’RE crackers ho ho ho,” he added…
“MERRY BREXMAS EVERYBODY!”