Buried in the small print of Theresa May’s 585 page draft Brexit deal is a small detail that nobody in the UK noticed. In addition to tying the UK to EU regulations for the foreseeable future, a sub-clause provided the twist. If approved, the document will provide for prospective MPs to pass an intelligence test.
Laughing Remainers have already dubbed this the “Dorries Test”, in honour of Leave-supporting MP Nadine Dorries. Dorries recently complained that leaving the EU will mean no future representation in the EU, and once asked what the Customs Union was long after voting against it.
“Es ist ein gut choke,” giggled EU spokesman Berndt Bridges. “Ve Chermans, ze famous sense of humour haff. Ho. Ho. Ho.”
“Why did nobody tell me that Brexit means Brexit?” wailed Dorries. “It’s hard enough being a best-selling author of airport novels without having to understand about grown-up stuff like politics.”
LCD Views’ Insomnia correspondent, ‘Sleepless’ Incey Attle, bravely ploughed through the entire 585 pages, surrounded by empty coffee mugs, to confirm the detail.
“It is indeed there,” reported Attle. “The sub-clause is written in complex legalese, so as to deceive the unwary, but the gist is that any parliamentary candidate must pass a detailed intelligence test. Also, once elected, they have a probationary period of six months during which they may be removed from office without notice.”
An appendix reveals some of the sample questions. “Please give your answers in joined-up writing and using full sentences,” the rubric commences. “Do NOT write in crayon. Marks will be deducted for using vacuous slogans instead of reasoned argument.”
The sample questions include:
1. Describe, in your own words, how the Customs Union operates.
2. Explain how membership of a Union gives you a voice, and vice versa.
3. Research the maximum recommended daily consumption of kangaroo anus for an adult female.
As many continental newspapers pointed out, this is the EU’s way of imposing intellectual sanctions on the irresponsible British. Naturally, this has gone unremarked in government circles, since these papers are all written in a foreign language.