UKIP MEP Patrick O’Flynn had to abandon a proposed game of five-a-side after only FOUR people turned up to play.
The match was only announced shortly early in the morning, for an 11 o’clock start, which may have some bearing. It all kicked off, or rather failed to, in drizzle at the Downing Street gates. The opposition was ready to join in the fun, with 700,000 volunteers ready to play, but wouldn’t play ball and refused to lend UKIP a ringer.
“In a way, it all went totally according to plan,” said team member Maisie Dribble. “UKIP are all for pulling out of things, which is one reason why there are so few of us.”
Dribble was hopeful that a rematch could be arranged, and called off again, before too long. “We would rather play on our own,” she explained. “Instead of engaging in a union with others, we prefer to play with ourselves.”
The opposition put out a reasoned argument. “Unlike the Kippers, we have a detailed strategy,” claimed team spokesman Onmi Edson. “We attract a broad range of disciplines, but they are very unbalanced in their team selection. The Kippers are all right wingers.”
The game was to celebrate the brand new garment that the Prime Minister for the time being, Theresa May, threw over the rotting carcass of Brexit. With a theatrical flourish, she declared “It’s the Prime Minister’s new clothes, a naked Brexit, or abandon the whole sorry mess.” Amid the cheering, the scowling Kippers decided to celebrate the possibility of a dead beast to pick over with a kickabout. Except with only 80% of a team, and no backstop, the game was as dead as the Brexit dodo.
Frustrated and soggy, the vultures departed to nurse their injured pride, and to do their research by reading Roy of the Rovers.
Meanwhile, the smell of decomposing flesh could no longer be disguised as ‘Boris after a heavy night on the lash and a dodgy kebab’. The whole affair is, at long last, producing quite a stink.