The once influential firebrand is the latest irrelevance to try and resurrect a flagging career. Jeremy Corbyn feels that his experience of pre-EC Britain will be vital in the post-Brexit waste.
“This is in no way like a rock star past retirement age undertaking a reunion tour,” said Corbyn’s publicist, Selby Date. “There will be past glories, yes, but a completely fresh and modern set of rehashed facsimiles masquerading as innovation.”
The Invisible Man Tour will see Corbyn phone up any of his old buddies from Socialist Worker days who still have a pulse. “He will visit all the old haunts,” explained Date. “Old mining communities will be told how the ghastly prosperity of the last 40 years is down to the EU’s so-called caring capitalism. Jeremy knows these people. He knows that they much prefer to be miserable and downtrodden.”
Former coal miner Davie Lamp agreed. “The pit was my entire life,” he says. “It was dismal, dangerous work, and even worse when we stopped arguing about pay and conditions to dig for coal.”
Lamp is excited about the Corbyn renaissance. “At last we can get back to being an insular, isolated community with an impenetrable accent,” he declared proudly. “Shops will close early on Wednesday, women will scrub the front step, the nippers will all have rickets by the age of six. We will go on strike and spend our dole money on beer and fags. It’s what made Britain great!”
Corbyn’s return from self-imposed hibernation will mean a triumphant return to the chaos and poverty of the seventies. “That’s the dream,” confirms Date. “And the democratic, elected EU, or EC, or ERG, or whatever the hell it’s called this week, can stuff its reasonable benevolence in its pipe and smoke it, if they haven’t completely banned smoking yet.”
So, former workers rise up and fight for your right to die young and in agony. As Corbyn didn’t sing, you don’t get me, I’m part of the European Union.