No, not that Johnson. The other one. The one who isn’t Boris.
BoJo’s baby brother blatantly bashed Brexit by blasting Theresa May’s latest pathetic “plan”. “I can’t support that load of old bollocks,” he said frankly. “I could quite honestly have belched a better strategy. And no, you may not call me ‘JoJo’!”
This leaves Jo Johnson in a tricky position. He is at odds with his media whore brother, his rent-a-gob sister and celebrity wannabe father. “They are no longer speaking to me,” he comments. “By displaying principles, I have betrayed the family motto ‘Nunquam Vere Dicam’. It’s quite a relief, let me tell you!”
Johnson junior joins the slow but steady trickle of MPs now opposing Brexit. Some, like Johnson, because it is clearly rubbish. Others, because their vision of modern feudalism is evaporating before their eyes.
“His Lordship is appalled at the state of affairs!” grovels Bowen Scrape, spokesflunkey of Jacob Rees-Mogg. “His Brexit Dividend of thousands of tied villeins tithing him fifty percent of everything they produce is collapsing faster than you can say Carillon.”
Conspiracy theories abound connecting lunatic politics in the UK and the USA with Russia. Dirty trickster Oskar Sczeremony claims to know the truth. “I can disclose that Vladimir Putin is not a happy bunny,” he reports. “British pragmatism is destroying his plan much too soon. If things don’t change soon, you will suddenly discover that Jeremy Corbyn makes sexist remarks, and there will be a steady flow of Russians eager to visit Salisbury Cathedral.”
Meanwhile Brexit can continue to limp towards the finish line. It’s classic misdirection. “Four months of looking elsewhere, is that too much to ask?” moans Sczeremony. “After 29 March, who gives a shit? But the Johnson brothers have ruined everything. We’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
That’s what they are. A pair of Johnsons.