All across the land today potatriotic cooks and dodgy accountants working for dodgier politicians, the kind of work that makes you hungry, are celebrating with the latest update to the Brexit cookbook.
“When you’re deciding the fate of an entire continent you have to eat right,” David Davis, recently demoted from Head Chef to Commis Chef, said, “you’ve got to eat brain food. As much brain food as you can stomach. Mmmm brains. Brains.”
And what food could be brainer than modern micro-electronics?
“Exactly, and this diet has added security benefits,” Davis explained, “because no mobile phone is more secure than one that’s been in a microwave for ten minutes circling around on high power.”
Are these dessert recipes or entrees?
“Good question, we haven’t decided that, we’ve been so busy working on which sauces to baste and drizzle and drench the phones in, and just how high the power needs to be, that we hadn’t decided what course they are. Bit silly of us. But we’re more big picture people, the detail is for others. This will allow chefs all across the UK to get creative.”
So the Brexit cookbook is not just cannibalism related now?
“No! Isn’t it marvellous. We’re so smart! In fact these recipes will likely extend the lives of family pets.”
How so?
“Well, before you eat fido or Mr Chips, you can work through that collection of old mobiles you’ve got in a drawer in the study.”
It sounds to us that post Brexit food supplies are now more secure than ever.
“You just leave it to us. Right now our top secret team is working on a microwave big enough to hold the entire ERG. Once we step inside no one will know what we’re talking about. The noise of the microwave oven in operation will drown out our words. And our spinning in circles will make it impossible for lip readers!”
I trust you with our country’s future. And remember, as the brains behind Brexit the cookbook say, when you’ve finished cooking your books, why not fry your phone!