Confusion is raining cats and dogs today after Lord (not of the dance) Digby Jones advertised in one of the last print media personal columns left in U.K. circulation for a vampire to bite him to ensure he sees a Brexit benefit in 100 years time.
”It was well perplexing when the letter with accompanying advert arrived,” Empti Vessel, editor of ‘Dead Thick and Gooey – Cake and Fudge Quarterly’ told LCD Views, “truth to tell, we don’t get many personal ads of that kind at our quarterly, normally it’s just people trying to offload old mixmasters and worn out maids.”
But the ad placement from Lord Jones, written in blood on vellum, was the real deal.
”Of course we don’t think he wrote in his own blood,” Empti hypothesised, “his kind never do, do they just. But if you’re looking for a vampire, best to wet their appetite I suppose. Still, that’s not the most puzzling part of it all.”
Well what is?
”To discover he’s not already a vampire was a total shock! I mean, just look at him heaving words he doesn’t understand about all over the shop in the hope of draining the life from the country’s young and all. I would have had him down for a vampire no questions. Either that or a zombie, his own brain long since eaten.”
So you will run the ad?
”Of course. The bill is being picked up by the taxpayer, so there’s no worry of having to chase after it. But I think he’s a little optimistic.”
Of finding a vampire?
”Oh no, Blighty is chock full of bloodsuckers. But to think one hundred years will be enough time to see a Brexit benefit? He must be out of his mind.”