The one person willing to ‘just get on with it’, Arlene Foster, has put forward her solution to the Irish border problem. Quite simply, she will construct a wall – and force Westminster to foot the bill.
In all other respects, Brexit and the no-deal preparations have stalled. It is as if the elephant in the room has got fed up and decided to sit down in the way for a while.
“This is my one big chance to make a mark,” remarked Foster candidly. “Because after this shambles nobody will elect any of us ever again. If elections are still a thing, that is. Since democracy ended on 23 June 2016, there might not be a need for any more.”
Taking a leaf from the Donald Trump playbook is one thing, but getting your own government to pay is different. “Yeah but no,” Arlene clarified. “It’s them and us. Northern Ireland is a special case. And anyway can you imagine Varadkar forking out? Feckin Irish tightwads.”
Who would actually build the wall? “Simple,” claims Foster. “There are thousands of filthy migrants in the UK, coming over here and showing us what hard work looks like. They could build it in no time at all, cash in hand, no questions asked. Afterwards we could stick them all in a big old boat and tell them to clear off back to the EU that they love so much.”
It’s gratifying that Foster actually has a plan, however ridiculous. It puts her head and shoulders over all the other Brexiters.
Critics from the Republic were swift to point out that a wall is, de facto, a hard border. They took their concerns directly to Foster. “Unfortunately I couldn’t understand a word they said,” she remarked sadly. “It sounded like a bunch of old men shouting ‘Drink! Girls! Arse! Feck!’ to me.”
The Westminster dog with the Irish tail was later seen sneaking into the secret room containing the magic money tree.