The government’s very own drugs minister, Victoria Atkins, has revealed a conflict of interests. Victoria’s secret is out. She is married, handily, to a drug dealer.
The revelation came when she was asked about the government’s drug taking policy. “I ain’t sayin’ nuffin about dat, bruv,” she replied. “Da big man don’t want nobody treadin’ on his turf, know what I mean, innit fam.”
The Speaker glanced up from his lines of white powder to reprimand her for using unparliamentary language, before remarking, “F*ck me, Vix, this shit is the dog’s bollocks!”
Further questioning revealed that what Atkins meant was that she was unable to comment, because it might damage her drug dealing husband’s core business. The suspicion remains that she is distributing some of his supplies.
“Why do you think she got the job?” declared fellow MP Filly Buster. “She’s shagging the biggest dealer in London! Everyone goes to Vix when they want a pick-me-up.”
Buster reveals that Atkins distributes uppers, downers, inners, outers, and shake-it-all-abouters.
Hallucinogenics are also popular. “Mind-altering drugs have been de rigeur in the Cabinet for years,” reveals Buster. “How do you think Brexit got off the ground? Everyone was off their tits. Hard drugs for a hard Brexit. Drugs are the only reason Theresa May manages to survive Brexit negotiations!”
It also explains why nobody has got it together enough to mount a leadership challenge. “I could quit any time,” May claims. “If I wanted to.”
“Look at the evidence!” shouts Buster. “Certain, erm, substances make you brash and overconfident. Look at Liam Fox. Listen to the gibberish spouted by Boris Johnson. The entire ERG is permanently wasted, and Jacob Rees-Mogg insists on a gentleman in an early Victorian doctor’s attire to dispense his laudanum.”
This honesty could be a shot in the arm for a floundering government. Drugs for the many, not the few, is the message.
After all, we could all use a bit of help to get us through the next few years.