Tumescent breaking news this morning on breast augmentations and how non-invasive getting a boost will be after Brexit.
“We all know food is a great medicine,” lead plastic surgeon at Two4One Boobs (a private medical practice facing criminal prosecution), Doctor Bigizbest, told our topography correspondent,
“you’ve got a swelling you can’t quite explain? Eat a marrow! You’ve got a cold that won’t go away? Yeast extract combined with petroleum jelly! You’ve lost a leg in a hunting accident? Octopus combined with frog! Well, after Brexit all you will need to do if you hanker for a bigger cup size is eat chicken. The bigger you want your tits, and I don’t mean small garden birds here, the more chicken breasts you chow down on. Yummy! Yum!”
But what will change after Brexit?
“Hormones man! Hormones! Hormones will change in quantity and probably in quality,” the good Doctor went on, cupping his hands in front of his chest,
“and I’m not talking about endocrine system smashing chemicals in our water supply thanks to the all green is good Tory government fracking the frack out of your water table so old and vested family interests can eek a little more coin out of fossil fuels before we all drown under a sea of plastic in a methane fog!”
Well, what are you talking about then?
“American chicken! Have you seen the moobs on the American president? Do you hanker for broader haberdashery bill yourself? Then let’s get importing! Call up Doctor Fox and tell him to put away those scalpels, we’re going to dine our way to WOW BABY! WHEN DID YOU GET THOSE DONE?!”
Finger lickin’ good! Let’s get it done!