The government has some timely advice for anxious middle class families considering stockpiling food in preparation for a No Deal Brexit.
”Don’t,” Dominic Raab, Secretary of State for Seeing Through Criminal Conspiracies, told LCD Views, “why waste precious pounds on pot noddles when you should be arming yourself to the teeth instead?”
The call to arms issued by the Secretary of State, has been echoed by cabinet colleagues.
”I’ve been practising horse riding on a giant stag,” Sajid Javid told us also, “and I’ve bought a replica cavalry lance. Clearly I will have all the protection I need when the food rioting really gets exciting, being Home Secretary, but I might like to run through a few hoodies just for the thrill of it.”
Andrea Leadsom was next up.
”I purchased this sawn off shotgun down a back street near Waltamstow Market. I even got the old geezer who sold it to me to throw in some additional boxes of rounds by threatening to have him arrested. Clearly as a cabinet minister I’ll have all the protection I need when cars start burning in the streets, but I have natural maternal instincts. I’ll be protecting my family myself, if only for the sheer fun of it.”
But what are middle class families to do, who may not even now have the spare money for arms and ammunition? How are they to stop the poor streaming down from the estates to loot their larders?
”They should have thrown themselves more vigorously behind the bedroom tax and other measures designed to drive the undesirable classes out of built up areas,” Matt Handcock shrugged, “I would suggest they buy a home defence app. Cyberdine Systems have some amazing class based home defence, smart phone, web based home protection measures. I’ve been flying around the world testing them all out instead of preparing for the looming NHS winter crisis.”
But what if the Russians hack the hell out of our internet just after Brexit and make such applications inoperable?
”Well, you better spend your time sharpening some stakes. When the food queues realise there isn’t any food left, it’s going to get ugly. Fat lot of good a house full of pot noodles is going to do you when they smash in your front door with an axe.”
So there we are. When choosing how to prepare for a no deal Brexit, the best advice is clearly to be prepared to fight.
”Or flight,” Matt adds, “which is what every single MP from across the parties that are bringing you this completely avoidable catastrophe will do.”