LCD Views has another exclusive today with the announcement that Britain’s greatest former prime minister, Dave ‘trotters’ Cameron, has opened a halfway house in France specifically for cabinet ministers fleeing Brexit.
“As soon as that clock hits eleven pm on the twenty ninth of March next year, they’ll all be off like cockroaches fleeing a sudden bright light,” Dave told us, while stood out front of the modest chalet he’s turned into a refuge for old friends, “and they’ll need all the cracks and crannies to squeeze into they can find.”
We can’t reveal the exact location of the house for fleeing cabinet ministers, as Dave doesn’t want it overwhelmed with expats seeking autographs, but we can reveal the name.
“Trotters, of course!” a beaming Dave said, “if you’re opening an establishment that you hope to leverage appeal for with your personal brand, well, you’ve got to pick a name that resonates and makes people imagine you.”
But is it just Tories that will be welcome to hide out, or is Dave willing to welcome former parliamentary colleagues from across the lower house?
“No SNP, that’s bloody obvious. Clegg has half a chance, now he’s decided to tarnish his own brand rebuild by getting fruity about freedom of movement. It’d be nice if he dropped by, it would really cheer the Tories hiding out up. We can reminisce about stitching him up and just how wide eyed and naive he was. Corbyn is clearly welcome. He doesn’t want to be PM anyway, he just wants to get the old disaster socialist project over the line. Take power out of the chaos and hand the reigns over to McDonnell. You see what McDonnell does with Henry VIII powers! Wow! Brexit isn’t going to happen unless they stay steadfastly committed to it, if they act like HMG’s loyal opposition the whole house of cards could collapse, no, they need to appear to sit on the largest fence post ever built, while never, ever mentioning all the criminality and political interference in the post-ref police enquiries. May and the old commies make quite a team!”
And how will former MPs and cabinet ministers pass the time, while waiting to hear the public investigations are all in the long grass and they can go home?
“We’re going to ride pigs. That’s well wicked fun. We’ll all do our Enoch Powell impersonations to entertain passing kids. Foot races clearly. You saw how fast I moved on the 24th June 2016? Knowing I had totally screwed the pooch! I’d be surprised if even David Davis can run faster them me.”
Screwing the pooch? That sounds like a game you and your mates could play.
“Don’t be silly. We’re trotters not woofers. Now, if you don’t mind me I’ve got to stare at a pile of blank pages I promised to turn into a memoir.”
How’s that coming along?
“You try writing a memoir that ends in complete and utter failure and come back and ask again.”
Well, at least Trotters is certain to be a roaring success!
“It’s odds on. I’m having hoodies made with the Conservative Party logo, the burning tree on them. That way, when I shout ‘hug a hoodie’ no one will get sick in their mouth when they do it.”
Good luck Dave!
“Catch me if you can!”