Climate change has sometimes been linked, tenuously, to rampant capitalism. Now a more direct connection has been discovered. Capitalism has literally sent the Earth’s orbit out of kilter.
The extra weight displacement is the problem. Tons and tons of gold have been moved to the Cayman Islands. The result is startling.
Astrophysicist Melton Glacier clarified the science for LCD Views. “Gold is very heavy,” he explained. “Putting hundreds of tons of the stuff on a Pacific atoll to stop anyone else getting at it causes a shift in the Earth’s centre of gravity.”
This in turn alters the balance of the Earth. It changes its orbit and angle of rotation slightly – but enough to cause some weird weather.
“The path the Earth takes around the Sun has changed,” Glacier continued. “This makes for hotter summers and colder winters.”
There is a limit, however. “And it’s not what you might think!” said Glacier. “Sooner or later the Cayman Islands will collapse under the weight of gold. Nobody knows when this might be, because nobody knows quite how much gold is hidden away.”
The ensuing tsunami will cause massive, widespread destruction and the precious gold will be buried for ever. NASA is preparing to move Heaven and Earth to find a solution
The gravity of the situation weighs heavily on Glacier’s mind. “Gravity means gravity,” he sighs. “It has the potential to cause a chaotic orbit. The Earth could break free from the solar system. It would then wander through space at will, but lose the warmth of the sun.”
The Earth will in all probability find another host star. Little green men from Alpha Centauri are not happy about this.
“We don’t want any more aliens invading us,” claimed little green president Kleeroff Weerful, via a translation matrix from several light years’ distance. “They will drain our resources and they talk funny. We hate non-greens!”
It’s a big old universe out there, but some themes are universal.