Many things are visible from space. The Great Wall Of China. New York City. Boris Johnson’s ego. But very few things are audible. In space, nobody can hear you scream, it is said. But the tense silence surrounding the Earth will be broken, should British leaders call off Brexit.
Scientists from NASA have calculated that the sigh of relief, should Brexit be dropped, would break the sound barrier and reverberate throughout the solar system. Already satellites have been placed on standby to detect the anticipated shock wave.
NASA spokesman Dr Luna Module tried to demystify the scientific principles involved. “Normal sound only passes through another medium,” she said. “Like air, or water. Here at NASA we have discovered a type of cosmic sound that can be detected in the wastes of space.”
This so-called ‘hyper-noise’, explained Dr Module, is created when a planetary or stellar body experiences a significant wobble. “This can be caused by any number of things,” she said. “Like a catastrophic event. The imminent implosion of the Brexit singularity will be accompanied by a sigh the like of which has never been heard before. The sheer relaxation of the planet will create tremors which would be audible many millions of miles up.”
It is hard to describe this new sound adequately. “Imagine Pink Floyd,” said Dr Module helpfully. “Or Sigue Sigue Sputnik, Rocket Man, or the Sound Of Silence. It’s nothing like any of them.”
The sound will travel, in all probability, throughout the solar system. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the little green men from Mars are already taking precautions against the sound causing their heads to explode.
The sigh is predicted to dislodge some of the many space rocks floating about the solar system. If it happens, instead of fireworks, expect a major display of shooting stars.