Boris Johnson launches ALT-BREXIT plan with Thames swimming stunt

Boris Johnson Friday launched his self styled “ALT-BREXIT” plan for taking the UK out of the European Union, with a typically grandiose stunt.

Clad in nothing but red white and blue striped Speedos and flashing V for victory signs Johnson launched himself from Lambeth pier in an attempt to swim the Thames and deliver his cling film wrapped plan, to a bemused Theresa May sipping chai latté on the House of Commons terrace.

A copy of the plan published on the Facebook page “Boris Johnson for Prime Minister” consisted of five bullet points:

  1. Make Boris Johnson Prime Minister
  2. Ask nice President Trump to make Brussels give us a good Brexit deal
  3. Unicorns!
  4. F*ck Ireland
  5. Build my shrubbery bridge as a tribute to my enormous success in freeing Britain from the shackles of Europe, and strap David Cameron naked to the southern end where he can be pelted with rotting fruit. 

However the stunt backfired as the outgoing tide swept him downstream, still clutching his self penned plan between his teeth.

The Thames estuary coastguard, Friday afternoon issued a warning to shipping regarding what they described as a “large gas-filled blubber like mass “ seen floating past Gravesend in the direction of Canvey Island.

“The mass in question is believed to be highly corrosive and liable to explode with rage if it any point it ceases to the centre of attention, and should thus be avoided at all costs,” the statement read.

The white Beluga whale which was this week reported to have taken up residence in the Thames estuary issued a strenuous denial of any involvement in the stunt and denied reports that it had been involved in any attempts to rescue Johnson.

Long time Canvey Island resident and former Dr Feelgood guitarist Wilko Johnson (No relation) confirmed to LCD Views that he has seen his namesake floating past “Down By the Jetty”, but given Johnson B’s “Stupidity”, he too had made no attempt to rescue him.

“Let’s face it, he’s never ‘done anything right’,” he laughed, twitching and staring maniacally into the middle distance.

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