Theresa May looks set to finally have her genius Chequers plan accepted by the EU this week after locating Michel Barnier’s weak spot and settling on a new saavy wheeze.
”He doesn’t have any lands and titles in England,” an aide to the penultimate prime minister of the U.K. told LCD Views,
“so naturally the obvious play is to offer Barnier lands and titles in Kent. Once he sees the carrot of taking back control of a piece of England as Lord Trade Barrier of Thanet, he’ll twist the arms of the other unelected, overpaid technocrats running the EU. Chequers looked dead, but that was only because it’s complete and utter nonsense, in reality once you find your enemy’s weak spot, anything is possible, even if you don’t hold all the cards.”
As to how receptive the EU’s chief Brexit negotiator is to the offer is not yet known, as the plan is still secret.
”We’re only announcing it in the British press at the moment,” the aide said, “as we know from the vicious and deceitful covers of our anti-EU moneylaundering rules newspapers, each and every day, that no one across the channel can read English. But we thought it best to let Thanet know that Sheriff Nigel is on the way out and Lord Trade-Barrier is moving in.”
It seems unlikely Barnier will reject the offer as everyone knows an English title is best.
”Of course he’ll have to apply to the Home Office for permanent residency first, but we’ll be providing an easy to use app for him to do that.”
But what if he refuses?
”We’ve thought of that too,” the aide beamed, “if Barnier is no go we’re going to offer Varadkar the city of Dublin to rule, after Ireland leaves the EU too and comes home to British rule.”