The Leave Means Leave battle bus is a topless model. It allowed jubilant fans to observe a large meaty packet and a pair of ginormous tits.
The one ginormous tit, otherwise known as Nigel Farage, was given a standing ovation simply for flopping out on to the stage. His counterpart – the left tit to Nigel’s right – is better known as Kate Hoey, who is struggling to comprehend how advocating a hard Brexit fails to endear her to her largely Remain-backing constituents.
Supporting this pair of tits was not in fact a cantilevered bra, but the packet of mince formerly known as David Davis. A man who resigned his cabinet post in order to bring himself to the same relevance as his companions, meant his appearance was largely irrelevant.
Because everyone really wanted to see the tits. “Everyone calls them a pair of boobies,” said enraptured worshipper Halle Lujah. “But to me they are the breast of Britain! My chest swelled with pride as they stood two abreast on stage. Out and proud!”
Other audience members were equally enthusiastic. “They really milked it!” gushed Mamma Ryglands. “I feel like the cat that got the cream!”
The Bolton crowd was satisfied. Many had only got on the bus in the first place because they assumed the open-top bus was going to Wigan Pier, but the spectacle of a pair of real, live tits more than adequate compensation.
One commentator described the open-top bus as an apt metaphor for a movement that is distinctly lacking up top. Farage fans described the commentator as a ‘Southern softie from Manchester’. The bus claimed to enjoy going topless as it meant lots of people climbed on top of her.
The tits talked bollocks. Henry Bolton claimed that the venue had been named after him. Numerous women in Wigan were pleased that their husbands were pestering someone else. All in all, a great success.