As conference season approaches, the Prime Minister’s position has never been less strong and stable. She is anticipating a leadership contest, and the surprise frontrunner is a chocolate teapot.
As normal, there are several other candidates. Some Tories have backed an inflatable dartboard, others a waterproof towel. The ERG is supporting the candidacy of a tetrahedral football.
LCD’s Useful Household Objects correspondent spoke to the teapot. “Britain runs on tea!” it stated proudly. “Theresa May couldn’t produce a decent brew if you gave her teabags, a kettle, and detailed instructions. I always say, if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the tearoom.”
Sovereignty is a key message. “True Brits love their sovereignty,” claimed the teapot. “If elected, I promise that everyone will be able to enjoy as much Sovereign Tea as they want!”
What about May’s infamous red lines? “Instead of red lines, I will have Blue Ribands,” said the teapot. “Biscuit means biscuit.”
The teapot revealed that May was opposed to both Hard water and Soft water. “She wants frictionless water, which produces tea even the French would be ashamed of,” the teapot commented. “Everything has been watered down far too much!”
“In addition, May tends to wilt and collapse in on herself when the heat is on,” remarked the teapot. “She is like a teabag with no leaves, useless whenever she gets into hot water.”
Glossing over the fact that chocolate and heat is also a bad combination, we asked the teapot to run the rule over its leadership rivals.
“The waterproof towel is a joke, quite honestly,” it said. “It has been around for years, yet hasn’t absorbed a single drop of wisdom in all that time. The tetrahedral football is a stick-in-the-mud, a complete oddball. And the inflatable dartboard is forever letting itself down.”
The chocolate teapot is an appetising prospect. At least it shouldn’t leave a nasty taste in the mouth.