Mighty industrial powerhouse Britannia is found near to 100% employment today after the Department for Work and Pensions changed the criteria for full time employment to include breathing while walking.
”If the trial of the change is successful we will go further,” Rt. Hon Esther McVey, Secretary of State for crushing the dreams and souls IDS couldn’t reach, told LCD Views.
”In time we hope to extend the conservative criteria to simply breathing,” she added, “although that may or may not include people on life support, depending on how quickly we can advance legislation after Brexit to make being disabled or sick, and unable to afford private healthcare, a crime.”
Other measures being considered are simply to stop phaffing about rigging statistics by farcical redefinitions.
”It’ll be much simpler if we can use soft fascism and simply print the numbers we want people to believe, regardless of reality, and have the BBC uncritically report the unsupportable assertions. Trials of that are already proving very successful. People laugh at our ineptness on social media, but it doesn’t really matter if we’re shit at Twitter and Facebook, given how effectively we’ve stacked the executive decks at the BBC.”
But what of people who try and rig the system by holding their breath?
”We’ve thought of that and it’s easy to counter.”
Going on, tell us how?
”As we fully develop our policy agenda into a proper totalitarian state masquerading as a democracy, the things we’ll do to people will be so ghastly that no humane individual will be able to resist shouted what the fuck?! each and every hour. Then they’ll have to breathe and will thus be fully employed.”
What about the inhumane ones? Mightn’t they hold their breath long enough to get into the stats?
”Oh, that’s not a problem, all those people already support us.”