It wasn’t sexy soirees with titillating Tory totty that provoked Marina Johnson to trigger article 50 on her 25 year marriage to former London mayor and UK foreign minister “Bonkalot” Boris Johnson, it was something FAR darker, LCD Views can reveal.
Namely the discovery that the flesh that Boris had discovered a weakness for was none other than that of fellow lard bucket, Steve Bannon – and not alone either.
The pair of them were locked in an unholy ménage-a-trois with none other than Lucifer the Prince of Darkness, Satan himself.
“They were both insatiable,” confessed a red faced Mephistopheles in laconic tones strongly reminiscent of the late Peter Cook.
“The mere mention of the words “immigration”, “lebensraum” or “I have a right to my own opinion”, and they were off like rats up each other’s drainpipes – It was all I could do to keep up,” he complained, adding that given their respective bulks it was a miracle they didn’t trigger an earthquake.
“They’re both big lads, by which I mean in the “hippo” sense. Johnson is frankly a misnomer,” yawned Old Nick, laconically.
But like all good things, it had to end the Archfiend added explaining that Boris got the hump at “Sloppy Steve “ dropping his standards for every right wing nut job in Europe.
“For me though it was Boris’s insistence that we make the beast with three backs wearing rubber Theresa May masks and crotchless suicide vests, that did it,” he winced.
” I mean I’m Beelzebub, – I’m up for absolutely anything, but there are limits even for The Lord of the Flies.”
“Theresa and I have been mates for years – we screwed the Windrush generation together – you have to stand by your friends in their hour of need,” he smirked, sparking up a Capstan navy Strength and pouring himself another goblet of champagne.