The sick and the potentially sick of the United Kingdom, the chronically ill and the accident prone, and those who care for them, are in safe hands today with the announcement from Matt Hancock (MP for Hands-on-Rooster), Secretary of State for Health and Social Care, that he has…
”Just today qualified as a faith healer!”
The news is not news for anyone following Matt’s announcements recently about NHS preparation for a no deal Brexit.
”Matt hasn’t just been sitting about with his hands down his pants playing with the only toy God gave him,” our senior health and social care correspondent corresponds, “since he took over from Jeremy Rhymes-With, in a fetching act of surname symmetry, he’s been a busy boy indeed.”
Busy largely delegating the job of ensuring the health of the country is looked after as the Tories crash the country.
”He’s been studying how just believing really bloody hard that everything won’t go to hell in a hand basket, with diabetics dying for want of insulin, and cancer patients dying for want of treatment, can be avoided by believing really bloody hard that private business will do the job of preparing for a No Deal instead of the government. All you have to do is have faith that they’ll do it if you order them to.”
So simple even his predecessor in the job could have thought of it.
”To prove that faith is all you need he’s put his hands where your money is and taken a digital course in faith healing. This is part of a dramatic modernisation of the health service.”
But what if he’s wrong and faith isn’t enough? What if the stockpiles are insufficient?
”Oh ye of little faith,” our correspondent chided, “you can just duck over to Northern Ireland from April next year and get whatever you need on the new hard border black market. You’ll be able to lay your hands on whatever you need. So long as you just believe.”
The black market? Now that’s the sort of private enterprise that will succeed in the event of a no deal Brexit.