Kicked out of the family home by his wife of 25 years, Boris Johnson is planning a surprise bid to have himself elected President of the European Commission.
A source close to Johnson’s own office confirmed to LCD Views that the recently resigned UK foreign minister has realised that his estranged wife’s decision to go public about his philandering has effectively ended his chances of becoming leader of the conservative party, and hence UK Prime Minister.
Instead he has set his sights on Brussels, and is looking to be elected President of the European Commission next year, when the five year term of current President Jean Claude Junkers ends, the source explained.
“They’re all French or something so infidelity is pretty much compulsory,” she explained, smiling sweetly and crossing her legs.
“Boris feels that with Theresa May’s Chequers plan dead in the water, and a no deal Brexit, akin to economic suicide – if you can’t beat them, he may just as well jolly well join them,” she said, smoothing a crease in her silk stockings.
“And what better way to keep the UK in the EU than making him president – he’s a man who loves nothing more than being on top,” she winked, pointing out that Boris had happily backed the UK’s EU membership for years before throwing his extreme, but still manly, bulk behind Brexit in the hope of unseating David Cameron as PM.
“And as a twice former mayor of London and former foreign minister he’s not exactly lacking in experience – if you know what I mean,” she added peering librarian like over the top of her glasses and smiling knowingly.
News of Johnson’s volte-face came less than 48 after The EU’s chief Brexit negotiator, Michel Barnier rejected May’s Chequers plan as unworkable, and suggesting that the UK had no option but to crash out of the EU with no trade deal.
And only hours after he was seen crashing out of the family home with no deal, after his wife of 25 years Marina Wheeler invoked article 50, ending his freedom of movement and forcing him to kip down on Michael Gove’s sofa under WTA rules.
Johnson himself was unavailable for comment with his secretary confirming that he would be unavailable Thursday due to prior appointments at French and German “brush up” classes.
“And he has meetings all day tomorrow with executives from Mercedes and Renault – something to do with renting buses with special paint jobs,” she said breathily, batting her eyelids and absent-mindedly fingering the top button on her blouse.