UK prime minister Theresa May Wednesday issued an open invitation to the two Russian suspects in the Salisbury “Novichok” poisoning case to take over the UK’s negotiations to leave the European Union.
“As with the Salisbury poisonings negotiating a successful Brexit is a job which requires both a killer instinct and extreme discretion,” said May speaking to reporters outside 10 Downing street dressed in a fetching navy blue Hazmat suit and contrasting Hermes scarf.
Mrs May added that she had already passed Boris Johnson’s home address to the two Russian fugitives and would be assessing their performance before allowing them to proceed over the head of current Brexit minister Dominic Raab, to Brussels to deal with Messers Barnier and Junkers.
“I’ve instructed Dominic to “duck”, if he doesn’t think that’s his look out,” she added.
The two suspects, who on their last visit to the UK were travelling on passports naming them as “Alexander Petrov” and “Ruslan Boshirov” were unavailable for comment Wednesday having returned to Russia on an Aeroflot flight on March 4th, and disappeared.
Explaining that the Wiltshire Police had issued an Interpol red bulletin for their arrest May suggested that she was certain that the offer of untold riches for delivering a successful Brexit complete with unicorns, would be sufficient to tempt the two fugitives out of hiding.
“We’ve already said what riches the country can expect in return for voting for Brexit, and if successful our negotiators will be guarantees a generous, but as yet “untold” share,” she said, crossing her fingers behind he back.
Responding to questions from reporters as to whether two Russian KGB operatives would be the best people in whom to trust the UK’s future economic relations with the EU, May was adamant.
“My good friend Donald, assures me that Russian government employees are completely trustworthy and were very effective in their management of his successful election campaign,” she smirked.