Earth under threat from space squirrels

Experts from NASA have warned of an invasion from outer space. An intergalactic scurry of space squirrels is approaching the Earth because they have heard that the planet is being run by nuts.

The British space programme has already dismissed the threat. Stargazer Ursula Major explains. “The programme is staffed by gifted amateurs like myself,” she said. “I haven’t spotted any alien spacecraft recently, although admittedly my telescope is in need of an upgrade.”

The instrument, a cardboard tube with a couple of lenses sellotaped on, did look a little shabby. “I was hoping some of the £92m being spent on replacing Galileo could go towards a new one,” she said regretfully. “But I understand that about three quarters of that is being spent on consultancy, a few hundred on a study run by a couple of astrophysics students during reading week, and the rest on lunch.”

She was not impressed by the consultants, either. “They are a bunch of well-connected gobshites whose conclusion will be, a space programme is hardly rocket science,” she said bitterly.

Meanwhile, the squirrels are fast approaching. The nuts in charge have no idea what to do. Paralysed with indecision, NASA have their backs against the walnut.

Donald Trump is believed to be a major target for the squirrels. He has shot his bolt, leaving the nut behind.

In the UK, Tony Blair has entered the fray again. Old Wingnut, still fighting to regain some semblance of credibility, has suggested that, as a planet, we gather up all the nuts left over from Christmas as a peace offering, and try to do a deal with the squirrels. Theresa May has already insisted on no deal. We are left to wonder which one is taking the pistachio.

The problem is proving a tough nut to crack. We can only assume that the squirrels have come to divide and conker.

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