Making plans for Nigel? Ecstacy. The oxymoronic bigmouth has vowed to bravely run away.
Sitting on the fence in a shy, retiring way, as opposed to his normal bluster, Farage was initially coy about whether to stand or scarper. “Certain people have encouraged me to get lost,” he admitted. “But I haven’t made my mind up yet. I still have a cushy number on LBC and seven months of drawing my salary as an MEP.”
But the man who campaigned so hard to ensure he lost his job is demonstrating that unique talent again. He is now poised to flunk the opportunity to become London’s Mayor in triumph. What persuaded him to get off the fence? “Splinters in the bum,” he revealed.
“Who wants to be London Mayor, anyway?” he spouted. “The post attracts idiots, chancers, and Sadiq Khan. The Inflatable Mayor! Can you believe, he is allowing them to fly a satirical balloon mocking him? Like they did with my old mate Donald Trump, whom incidentally I’ve never met? He’s let himself down!”
Nigel is reliably full of hot air. Puffed up with his own importance, he blew his audience away breezily. “Gone with the wind, that’s my motto,” he insisted. “I’m thinking of becoming UKIP leader again, just so I can resign in protest.”
His face was a picture. One that nobody wanted to buy.
Farage insisted that he could never win the all-important backing of the People of the Metropolis. “London is far too multicultural these days,” he protested. “Multicultural people elect a multicultural Mayor. London is at Breaking Point. You can see what chaos ensues when you allow People in from all over the world and give them a Great British vote. A normal, typical, entitled, middle-aged white bloke doesn’t stand a chance these days, so I’m doing a runner for the good of the capital!”
Exit Mr Brexit. Stage right. Pursued by a bear, with any luck.