Sentenced to hang for a crime you didn’t commit?
You’d be forgiven for jumping at any chance of a reprieve, especially if new evidence appears which completely exonerates you of guilt.
That though is just the response that death-row convict Tommy Atkins, HASN’T shown since a new forensic report has emerged proving conclusively that he isn’t, A TRAITOR.
Atkins was last year convicted of treason, based on charges that he had consorted with foreign powers, namely the self styled “European Union”, to undermine the sovereign authority of the UK parliament and inflict irreparable damage on the UK economy, a crime which carries the ultimate penalty.
It was an open and shut case. Prosecuting barrister Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg STFU, UHOA and bar, produced witness after witness who could testify to the guilt of the defendant.
Most damning was evidence from a Mr B Johnson of Westminster who pointed out that:
“NAPOLEON and HITLER tried to conquer Europe and the EU is doing the same just using different methods. And that TRAITOR ATKINS is helping them.”
Tearful observers noted that the black cap was donned, and pencil broken there and then.
But now, new evidence contained in whole shelf of secret reports prepared by political scientists and economic experts proves, beyond all reasonable doubt, that membership of this union, neither undermines government sovereignty, nor inflicts damage onthe economy.
Indeed, they show quite the opposite, that the government has always held the right of veto over all EU legislation, and the United Kingdom economy benefits from this membership to a quite staggering degree.
Far from committing treason, the report shows, Atkins, was in fact demonstrating his patriotism.
Atkins himself however, has remained unmoved by evidence that should save him from the gallows.
“The jury has delivered its verdict, the rope has been bought and the trap door oiled – the warders deserve their paid overtime and a lifetime of regret,” he adds explaining that he understands perfectly the feelings of the man in the street who cares little for justice, and just wants to see full value for his tax money.
“That thought will be of great comfort as I slowly strangle to death under my own weight having lost control of my bladder and bowels,” he smiles.
Commenting on the new evidence, the presiding judge, Lord Michael “string-em-up” Gove was equally unmoved.
“Frankly I think everyone has had quite enough of experts,” he said, ordering a second bottle of Chablis to go with the most agreeable salmon he had just been served in the dining room of his club.
“It may take as long as 50 years for Tommy Atkins to feel the benefit of cruel British injustice, but when he does he will realise it has all been worthwhile,” he smirked, slurping unceremoniously on his tankard of Grand Cru..