Theresa May’s negotiations with African nations have at last borne fruit with the announcement of one new trade deal.
Standing outside Number Ten, Mrs May held aloft a piece of paper announcing a major new trade deal with Nambia.
“The people of Nambia have welcomed the trade agreement with the UK,” she said. “For centuries they have been an isolated people, without any trade deals with any other country in the world. Now that has changed, and they can sell their resources to us for a pittance, while we can rob them blind. It’ll be just like the Empire days all over again.”
Nambia is rumoured to be the world’s chief producer of covfefe. When asked about this, Mrs May confirmed:
“Covfefe was top of the agenda from the start. It was vital that the UK secured the sole rights to this product so we can corner the market as the seller of Nambian covfefe. I had a cup down there and believe me, Nambia make the best covfefe in the world.”
Critics have struggled to locate Nambia on the map, but Mrs May was quick to brush them aside.
“This is the first of many lucrative trade deals with African nations,” she said. “We have initiated talks with Buranda already, which we expect to produce another valuable agreement, and I know that the people of Zimbala are just dying for a trade deal with us – literally, as they have only just regained their democracy after the death of the dictator who ruled them for decades. Ideally we would have preferred dealing with him, but timing is everything. We’re looking to start negotiations with them just as soon as Boris is safely away from the negotiating table. I know he’s no longer foreign secretary but I still don’t trust him not to put his foot in it.”
As for the possibility of trade deals in Europe, Mrs May was optimistic about the possibility of one European deal, with Ruritania, if King Rudolph sobers up enough. And if he can’t, then there’s always his English double to stand in for him.