The government has moved to smooth the ruffled feathers of the British dining public by releasing a statement on its vision for the closing stages of Brexit negotiations with the EU.
“If we stockpile all the food the EU will have to give us a deal,” a sweating Dominic Raab asserted, while seeming to suffer from tetanus, “who holds all the cards then? If Emperor Barnier refuses to allow backlogged English cheddar to overwhelm EU farmer’s markets after March 2019, they’ll all fucking starve.”
And serves them right too!
Under the plan, which has been called “imaginary”, “vim full” and “ambitious” by objective world trade experts, Downing Street will order the army to stop all food exports from British farms crossing the boarders and borders into EU27 countries.
”While they’re distracted by this Iain Duncan Smith will lead an amphibious assault on Holland,” Raab said, while seemingly suffering from the closing stages of rabies.
The successful assault will seize all of the EU’s remaining food production sectors and ship the produce back to Blighty with no need for customs checks.
”Farms and hothouses we can’t seize will be torched,” Raab added, “the Union Jack will he raised over a windmill and our victorious troops will be led back home with their arms stuffed full of radishes.”
Quite how the EU will respond to finding themselves on the wrong end of the food rationing queue is not clear, but there is little doubt if enough Brits believe in the plan that it will work.
”Who holds all the restaurant bookings now?” Raab demanded, while seeming to suffer from the advanced stages of Dunce syndrome.